I thought last week would never end. It was such a long and boring week! And my English teacher pisses me off! She's such a bitch! ¬¬ Anyways, Friday I stayed after school for a little bit until Brandon left. He almost killed me. o_O; He picked me up and he was swinging me around. And he had me upside down and he said "What would you do if I let go?" and as I was saying "I'd scream!" he let go of me and caught me and spinned me around some more. He cracked my back too. XD Then after all that, we went to the mall. And well...going to the mall is getting to be very very very boring. I don't think I'm going to go quite as often anymore. I need to do other things.

Saturday, I went to Battle of the Bands with Gardenia and Mel! It was kick ass. I was there from 12PM to 10PM. I got a little sun on my face. I wanted Hindsight or So She Says (both bands go to my school) to win. But they didn't. In my opinion, they should have. Because they gave the best performance of all the bands. They really had the crowd going. With the other bands, the crowd was just laying around and walking around. But nooo, Fat Agression won. Mel bought their CD. I dislike them.

I don't want to go to school tomorrow. I have no energy, and yet again, I am not feeling well. But it's only a 4 day week. And I think only 2 of those days are full days. Then I have Spring Break! A week without seeing Brandon. What am I to do? *sigh*

Wow, it's been awhile since I've written in here. I haven't been too well. I have a doctors appointment next week. But I'm feeling better today. Today was a pretty good day. Even though, it felt like it would never end. *sigh* It wasn't hard for me to stay awake in 1st period. The kid behind me breathes really loud. And it annoys me. But I don't say anything because he probably can't help it. But I guess in a way I have to thank him. If it weren't for him I'd have to stand in the back of the classroom all period.

Umm...today was really long. It was very cold and rainy. I love these kinds of days. And yes, I have to talk about Brandon. Cause he made me happy today. This morning when we kissed his hair got in the way. Which I thought it was funny. Because I'm just weird like that I guess. And well, he has ISS all day. So I didn't get to see him inbetween classes. ;_; But lemme skip right to after school. He gave me hugs and kisses as usual. But on my way to walk to my bus I walked over and put my head on his chest and he rubbed my back. Awww. <3 That made me feel better. All 4th period I kept looking at the other girls in my class and I just kept thinking 'What if I'm not pretty enough?'.

And now onto other things that are drifting in my mind. Gardenia and I think our friend Bobby might like me. >_< Which, he is very hott. And he has a girlfriend...I think? I mean they're off and on all the time so I really don't care to keep track. Today he asked me for my phone number and then he got mad because I broke his little phone book thingy. -_-; And Gardenia said something about how when she told him how I feel about Brandon that he looked sad. I'm not sure if I have any feelings back for him. I really like just being friends. But maybe it's all in our heads and he has no feelings for me. Either way, it doesn't matter to me. XD

Oh! And guess what! Today, Dir en grey's CD 'Withering to Death' comes out! Yay! <3 And Friday, Gardenia is coming over and spending the night. I gotta remember to bring her my black skirt tomorrow because she wants to wear it Friday. I hope it's rainy and cold tomorrow!

I'm starting to get better. That medicine they gave me tastes really good. I want to chug down the bottle. But that really wouldn't be a smart thing to do. Not that it would matter anyways. Fuck...I just really hate people. People suck. I feel like isolating myself.

Despite all that. Yesterday was...busy. I went to the doctors. It took forever. I ended up going to the mall with Crystal, Gardenia, and Cheese. I took pictures of Cheese in Claires. lol. It was great. And then we made a video. I was yelling at Cheese and laughing, and then Cheese walks in front of the camera and goes "DONALD! Get it?! DONALD! Haha! DONALD!". It is so hysterical. But yeah...right now I feel like crap. Well...here are some things I have written.

- The Nightmare -

The music box still plays
The melody is distorted
The ballerina with no eyes still spins with grace
Her dress is tattered and grey
Pins stick out of her heart
While knives are sticking out of mine
Paralyzed with widened eyes
The truth overcomes the lies

Holding out my hands
For the thorns to cut open my faith
And bleed out my prayers upon my dream's grave
The pain sucks the youth out of my veins
My heart turns cold
As the memories are engraved
Blood stained lips
Addicted to the breath taking kisses

Back and forth I swung on my swing
While mother was swinging from the ceiling
She struggled until she was dead
I slept under her body
With the covers over my head
The creaking of the ceiling
Brought fearful tears to my eyes
Scared to death with no place to hide

Holding out my hands
For the thorns to cut open my faith
And bleed out my prayers upon my dream's grave
The pain sucks the youth out of my veins
My heart turns cold
As the memories are engraved
Blood stained lips
Addicted to the breath taking kisses

In the middle of the room she used to cry
Screaming out her pain and ways to die
I entered the room with a worried heart
She removed her hands from her face
Her eyes blood red
Black make-up and dried blood stained her face
She smiled and opened her arms to me
I'll never forget the tightness in which she held me

Even now, her laughter echoes in my mind
I can still feel her nails
Digging into the back of my head
As she held my face in the sink
The frozen water still burns my skin
Drowning in the poison of hate
The taste is so bitter
It's choking me before it reaches my bleeding throat

Holding out my hands
For the thorns to cut open my faith
And bleed out my prayers upon my dream's grave
The pain sucks the youth out of my veins
My heart turns cold
As the memories are engraved
Blood stained lips
Addicted to the breath taking kisses

Amused by the blood that I cough into my hands
Oh, how beautiful it is
When blood and saliva mix
It's like the sound of your screaming
It's a lullaby that puts me to sleep
So when the melody dies
I'll open my eyes to find that I no longer exist
The nightmare is over

- The Suicide Show -

My tears have finally run dry
It's time to moisten my skin with blood
This disease, this pain
Has eaten away the last of my sanity
Today will give birth to my ending
As I light up this cigarette
I become easily amused by the dancing flame
As I imagine what I can do to myself with it
I can smell the burning flesh that's untouched

The taste of alcohol used to be so bitter
But now it tastes so sweet, I'm addicted
Drowning myself in this poison
As I fall deep into thought
My only reason for living
Is the reason that killed me

Remember today, and be eaten alive in guilt
I want to tell you how much I really love you
But you don't deserve to hear the words come out of my mouth
You can read it, as I slice it into my naked body
It's the only way to make you understand
That I meant something to you
Let's make it dramatic
I'll broadcast it live on national television
So you can all sit and watch me
Scream, cry, and bleed to death
My show
The suicide show

Wow. It's been awhile since I've written in here. I've been sick off and on, and now I am sick again. I think I'm going to the doctors either Thursday or Friday. I have a bad sinus infection. And yesterday...I think it was yesterday (either yesterday or Saturday) I had a nose bleed. I'm in so much pain right now. Most of the pain is on the right side of my face, and nothing I take seems to be working. I've been taking this sinus medicine...and it makes you sleepy. I can still feel the pain but its like...I'm so out of it I don't really care. lol. I don't know how to explain. It hurts but it doesn't. I really hope I get better soon. My dad says that I can stay home from school tomorrow if I'm still in alot of pain. I don't really want to miss school...only because I want to see Brandon. lol. I dunno...we'll see how I'm feeling tomorrow morning. Gardenia yelled at me because I don't stay home and rest. She's right though. If I don't rest, I'll never get better.

Well, I thought Valentines Day was going to suck. But it was an okay day. I got flowers, candy, and stuffed animals. I was going to buy a bunch of people flowers...but I forgot my money at home. I had to borrow a dollar from Luke so I could get something to drink. But it's all good. Anyways...what really made my day feel special was Brandon, even though he didn't show up to school until the end of the day. He came up to me after school and gave me a hug and a kiss and said "Happy Valentines Day sweetie". =^_^= That ment so much to me. It made me really really happy. That seemed to be the only thing that took away my pain. I mean...seriously. I notice he's been differant lately though. Not in a bad way. Everytime he sees me, he kisses me. He hugs my tighter than he normally does. He makes sure I get to my bus on time. And he calls me 'sweetie' now. Hmm...I like it. lol.

Emotionally, I've been alot better lately. I'm not so sad all the time. Which is really good. It's a good feeling, but at the same time it feels ackward and I feel like something's missing. In a way, I want to be sad again. I know it sounds crazy. Why would anyone want to be sad? I don't know. I guess I'm just wierd. I hope you all had a great day. I'm gonna go to sleep now. Good night.

Today was actually a pretty good day. Despite the fact that I'm sick as hell. No way I was gonna let that ruin my Friday. I had 2 tests today. *sigh* Math test...not sure how I did. But right now I don't care all that much. I should care. But I don't. Brandon wasn't in school today... ;_;

After school, I hung around on campus for a bit because I decided that I'd walk to the mall. It was fun, yet very disturbing. Anyways, after all that. I walked to the mall with Chris, Gardenia, Derek, Syndel, Bobby, and Cheese. We stopped up at the BP on the way to get some drinks and we played with the vacum thingy. Syndel video taped it. It was hysterical. Bobby and Derek made a little commerical. Ah man. And then after that, we were on our way again to the mall. Bobby ended up giving me a piggy back ride because I wasn't feeling good. I felt like I was gonna pass out. After I felt better, I started walking on my own again. And then glass bottles started breaking. lol.

There's not much to say about what happened at the mall. Nothing exciting really happened. We just all hung out...walked around like we always do. Cops were being bitches. This one guy told us that was needed to move, and Gardenia decided to be a smartass about it and said "Well...where would you like us to move to?" and then the cop goes "5 miles away from here." and then Gardenia turned around and said "ASSHOLE". lol. And then I decided to be a smartass and I grabbed Gardenia and I said "C'mon guys! Let's go! We gotta go 5 miles!". Oh! And they have these little storage lockers at the mall, and we tried fitting me into one of them. lol. I almost fit too! I'm just a little bit to big. Not by much though.

Even though I had fun. At the same time...I was kind of sad. But I tried really hard not to be. And now I feel even sicker. This weekend I'm gonna do nothing but sleep. I really need to get over this cold. And I need to find some inspiration for a song...badly. (Oh, I gotta remember to pay Gardenia back her $8. Just putting this on here as a reminder for me.)